I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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