Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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