Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
