why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
