there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
