Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
