The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
