Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
