My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
