My room smells like vodka and shame
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
