Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
