Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Randomize
