I just made out with a guy for $7.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
