My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
