oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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