Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
