Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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