Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
operation harelip BJ is a go
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
