a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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