and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she pinky promised me she was 18
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Thank you for not boning my boss.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have aggressive nipples.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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