his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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