Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
that's an acceptable place to lick
what day is it and did you see me today?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
