it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
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haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
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Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios