My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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