John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
