i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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