You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
