the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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