Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
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How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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