we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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