I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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