If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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