Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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