dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
