Can i not drive my cunt home
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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