I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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