i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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