My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
