I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
