we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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