shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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