saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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