just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
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Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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