It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
