I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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