come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
