.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
