Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I intend to get homeless drunk
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible