the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store