I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug