So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
