Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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