when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
