fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
