i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
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