can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
