People in love make me want to vomit
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
