I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
