Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
