drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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